What Trauma Really Is and What It Isn’t
The word trauma is used a lot these days. It shows up in news headlines, social media posts, and even everyday conversations. That has changed since the 70’s and 80’s when I grew up. While it’s wonderful that more people are talking about mental health, and I’m 150% behind that. Sometimes the meaning of trauma gets blurred; leaving people unsure if what they’ve experienced really “counts” as trauma. I want to clear that up if I can. It reminds me of the difference in the love we have for pizza and the love we have for our children. A word overused and even misused can dilute the meaning.
Trauma Is About the Impact, Not the Event
Trauma isn’t defined solely by what happened, it’s defined by how YOUR nervous system experienced and stored the event. Two people could go through the same situation and have very different reactions: one might recover quickly, while the other might feel stuck, triggered, or unsafe long after the event is over.
Trauma occurs when something overwhelms your ability to cope, leaving your mind and body feeling powerless, unsafe and even disconnected.
Think about two siblings growing up in the same house with the same parents. Society says they “should” react the same, but due to their nervous system, personality, temperament, birth order, parental perception, roles and relationships, family stress and environment, the siblings don’t actually experience the same childhood. It’s the same with trauma. There are numerous reasons individuals experience the same event differently and none of them are because one person is “weaker” than the other.
What Trauma Is
A nervous system response: Trauma lives in the body, not just in the mind. It’s why you might feel your heart race, stomach tighten, or mind go blank when something reminds you of the past.
Different for everyone: An event that feels mildly stressful to one person could feel shattering to another. This doesn’t mean one person is “stronger.” It means our histories, support systems, and nervous systems are unique; dare I say like a fingerprint.
Cumulative: Sometimes it’s not one big event, but a series of smaller, repeated experiences (like ongoing criticism or neglect) that build up over time; like the painful process of dripping water torture. Yes, it’s a thing. UGH!
Changeable: My favorite part! Trauma is not a life sentence. With the right tools and support, your brain and body can learn to feel safe again. While therapy cannot erase the past, it can offer a safe place to heal for the body and the mind.
What Trauma Isn’t
Just “BIG” events: You don’t have to have survived a natural disaster, serious accident, or assault for something to be traumatic. Emotional wounds, loss, and betrayal can be just as impactful.
A sign of weakness: Trauma is your body’s way of protecting you. Your reactions, whether fight, flight, freeze or fawn were survival strategies, NOT flaws. This fact alone has helped me personally change my mindset about my own trauma history. I’m grateful for a body and mind that does everything it can to protect me. And I can and have learned some really great ways to teach myself and others new and healthier ways to recover when I feel activated by adverse experiences.
Permanent damage: While trauma can have lasting effects, healing is absolutely possible. Your brain has the capacity to rewire and restore a sense of safety. I wholeheartedly adopt the belief that our bodies know how to and want to heal if we will give them the opportunity.
Something you have to just “get over:” Healing isn’t about willpower. I want to state this again. Healing isn’t’ about willpower. Ok, take a moment to let that seep in. Just do it. - Healing is about working gently with your nervous system, often with the help of a professional to help you integrate what happened to you. I utilize EMDR (Eye Movement Desentization Reprocessing and Lifespan Integration to help clients do just that. And, I have experienced those techniques myself in my own therapy. Don’t let anyone fool you. We are all a work in progress.
Why Understanding This Matters
When we only think of trauma as the “BIG” events, we risk minimizing the pain people carry from less obvious, but still deeply wounding experiences. When we downplay our own pain, we may never give ourselves permission to seek the help we need to heal.
Naming what happened as trauma isn’t about labeling yourself as broken, it’s about understanding your story so you can heal.
If you’ve been wondering whether what you went through “counts” as trauma, the answer is simple: if it left a mark on your heart, mind or your sense of safety, it matters. And so do you.
You don’t have to go through it alone. Therapy offers a space where your story can be heard without judgement, and where you can begin to feel safe again in your mind, body, and your life.
8/21/25
